Beginnings

I blinked, and only two weeks remain in my internship. Somehow, my semester in New York is already coming to a close and with that, my college career.

In a little less than a month, I will be putting on a cap and gown and walking across the stage in front of all my classmates, friends, and family. I will wear a pretty dress. I will take photos on commons lawn.

This will mark the end of my time as a student. No more essays on British Literature, no more dining hall, and no more being surrounded by hundreds of peers at any given moment.

With graduation approaching so quickly, I think back on my first days of college. I remember sheer terror at the thought of entering the dining hall alone. I remember trying to make as many friends as possible. I remember newness and potential. I remember myself completely unsuspecting of the relationships I would form and experiences I would have.

These memories bring with them smiles and small aches, understanding the unique place these moments were able to exist.

So what are you doing next? The question that every soon to be grad gets asked twice a day from mid March to mid May. This question is not bad. In fact, it is usually asked by someone who is interested in your life and your future.

The worst part of this question is not being able to answer it. Many of my peers have jobs or schools or plans lined up for this coming year and are able to respond to this question with confidence. My college degree was worth it. Here is a job to prove that.

Unfortunately for me, the only answer I can bring to this question is a whole lot of “umms”, nervous twitching, and hope the questioner will take pity on me and change the subject.

I completed my degree and now…I don’t know. It makes me desperately wish for the beginning, for freshman me when “I don’t know” was always followed with “Well you have plenty of time.”

This time of year always brings up many different emotions: nostalgia, fear, reluctance to move on, uncertainty etc. Would I feel these things if they were not about to end? Where were these emotions during my freshmen exams?

Experiences end. Most 22 year olds understand this, but this ending comes at a time where endings seem to be the only consistency. The end of summer vacation (no please no), the end of starting school again in September, the end of sleeping in till noon on Wednesday, the end of knowing the answer to “What’s next for you?”

These endings are definite. Clear as a line in the sand or the closing of a book. They jar us because they are so sure. We cannot go back to the first day.

Endings are the scariest when you don’t know what beginning is coming next. We fear that whatever begins will not be as good or wonderful as what we are leaving behind.

Some of my friends will be starting new jobs, some of them will be buying houses, and some of them will even be starting families. Meanwhile, the only thing I can think of starting is a new series on Netflix.

With so many endings, there are also beginnings. Not all of these beginnings are big and tangible like a proposal or the start of your dream job. Some are small and discreet like an unexpected encounter or kind advice from someone who matters.

These beginnings do not draw out a blueprint of our futures nor do they guarantee great successes or achievements, but they start something. Something that we cannot predict or plan out. Something that will eventually end and make us long for this moment right now.

Amidst the stress, excitement, and uncertainty of graduation, I am thankful for endings.

After all, it is not until the end of things that we can find their beginnings.